Metro Jam '05

Text / Photos: Chris Dziamarski

Seven came fast, I was up, and dressed, I had class before we left in the big blue van, so I had to make way from Emeryville to some shit college quick. I’d like to say I was tired from packing last night but I was excited like a 12 year old boy with his first sign of intercourse on the way. Class came and went, I skipped electrical but f-it we were on route to the Metro Jam (estimated time 1200), Evan was waiting in the Timmys, we jetted along the Huron Church among the inconsiderate truckers.  I decided to make a stop at the almighty Dollarama for some artillery; cap guns and plastic shooters were purchased.  Amateur was started at 4 so we had a schedule to maintain, little did I know so did everyone else, drink and drink as soon as they get in the car.  We arrived at Donnie’s around 1230, he gave us the news that Kyle hadn’t been fired from his job and was nowhere to be found, so we were out one member of the dick mob (not counting Quiz because he’s was driving MC hammer) we got to Dylan’s quick and picked him up and we would pick up Nugget off the 401. The Colts .45s were cracked and we were almost on our way. Donnie had the novel idea to remove the protective guard from the cap gun, so he could spray the crew with shards of expelled gun power. The ride to the Belle River off ramp was filled with plastic bullets in the face, gun power in the back of the neck and plenty of swerving. By this time, the boys were filling with the hooch and Adam had joined us, and was instantly introduced to Dr. Colt .45. The vehicle consisted of Donnie (the Myth) known from doing what he wants on a bike and kicking kids in the face, Evan, a newcomer from Milton with a urgency to become intoxicated and known for being “incoherent” at last year’s comp, Dylan, known for bringing his girlfriend last year and being by far the biggest on the trip, Adam (Nugget) known for telling a little too much about his personal life, besides Kyle (MIA), and Quiz who opted to take his own car which was probably a good idea from him and last and least was Chris, known for coining phases (I guess). 112 Km/h around 3pm somewhere between Tilbury and Chatham the story resurfaces, the boys are getting rowdy, fuelled by male testosterone, drunky conduct, and ready explode with the thoughts of little bikes going really high, as well as Vinnie Sammon. The thought I was dreading surfaced, “Chris, “We gotta pull into a service station; I gotta piss” everyone felt the same way. We pulled into the Wendy/Tim Hortons just before London. We all headed to the bath room, there was two, one that had a sign saying “being cleaned’ and another open to the pubic, after finding every one of the stalls and urinals full I headed to the one being cleaned; I found Dylan and Donnie in there obviously drunk. I recall at one point Dylan trying to rip the taps out of the sink or something, but that was enough, I washed up and headed for the door. I found Evan trying to purchase soda to mix with his liquor. Time passes, I begin to wonder, if they are actually taking a piss or fooling around. Bang the door flings open, Donnie in front Dylan behind I instantly knew something was up, the fact that he was speed walking was also a good indication. Donnie had this look on his face like he was going to burst out with laughter but meant all business. He also had something wrapped in a black plastic bag under his arm as he speed-walked out of the service centre, we all followed.  Back in the van Donnie reveals what surprise he’s been hiding in that plastic bag. It’s a toothbrush dispenser! Which he ripped off the wall? A sense of urgency came over me to get out of the service station, I was astonished that he could rip this huge metal dispenser off the wall but I didn’t want to find out how he did it, I need to get back on the 401, I couldn’t see trying to explain what happened to the authorities. Dylan had this need to smoke pot, “Dylan get the fuck in the van, we just stole a toothbrush dispenser off the god damn wall get in the car” I explained to him impatiently. I don’t think he quite understood the dilemma of what was going on. But like a child that wanted a toy in Zellers he wouldn’t let go, he wanted to sit in the parking lot and smoke pot. Now was definitely not the time for relaxation and reflection, it was time for action. The fact that he wanted me to partake was totally out of the question, I needed a clear head right now, there had to be at least one person with the clear head, one person that would prevent them from utter destruction and being arrested, unappreciatively the driver was the one.

Finally, after heavy persuasion he got in the car sulking like a child, but quickly energized again, when he realized that there was a stolen toothbrush machine in the back of the car. The door slid shut and we high tailed towards the on-ramp, with out any screaming mangers chasing after us. Twenty minutes later the machine was empty of its contents and out the door and 112Km/h. I didn’t even have time to react, the door slid open and next thing I know I’m looking at a tumbling toothbrush dispenser in my rear view mirror luckily in the ditch. “Shit, if we make it to Toronto without being pulled over I’ll be surprised.”

The trip went on, the mob drank, I drove and we avoided authorities. Dylan had enough, so he decided he was going to move from the back seat to the middle seat. He did so then he made it to the ground beside the sliding door where he laid. At this point Donnie had the idea to put Dylan’s socks out the window, and then proceeded to draw on his face and teeth with a blue paint marker.

We reached Milton around 6pm, the lads had to piss again, and we decided to take a look at Milton’s new park. The park was covered in snow. The park was about 50 feet from the parking lot down a small hill then up another, both hills had snow on them and in between the hills was a foot of snow, which panicked each drunken member of the crew upon discovering the dirty little secret.   Everyone went his or her different ways to urinate, Dylan choose the middle of the parking lot. Evan decided he’d get a closer look at home turf, when he found out the dirty little secret it prompted him to run straight into the hill sending him torpedoing head first into the snow. We all emptied our shoes and hit the road again.

Gridlock as soon as we got to Mississauga. Dylan decided he was going to exit the van and jog around three cars in front of us he did so with grace and beauty. Then Nugget was up to the task, but things took a turn for the worst. Upon exit of the vehicle he became tangled in a seat belt the car began to move leaving him hopping on one foot beside the car, he finally broke free sending him running behind the car about 3 cars back, traffic started to pick up but nugget couldn't keep this full out running up. One side the barrier the other was total strangers in all makes of cars wondering what was going on. He must have been running a good minute when I seen him start to fade I had to slow to a stop to pick him up, he had enough he was done but as the van slowed, happiness must have entered his mind a burst of energy since faded sent him again at the van. He entered the sliding door of the van out of breath, exhausted, and to the sounds of our laughter.

Thirty minutes later we were entering the core of Toronto still in gridlock but making some good time, the van was taking a ramp that entered the QEW at a crawl we were on the outside line when Nugget decided to open the window facing the inside line and stick his four fingers down his throat, perhaps the jog and liquor didn’t sit well.  As we took this slow bend onto the QEW locked in traffic, sometimes moving, other times fully stopped. Adam was hanging his head out the window accompanied by his four fingers down his throat puking as hard as he could. Now this wasn’t just pop your finger in your throat and out comes the fun, he needed to work that puppy out, all the while onlookers watched. Finally, after a couple of minutes of provoking himself to vomit, it came, and it came with force. I can’t even begin to comprehend what these driver must have been feeling and telling their loved one later that day.

We must have got to the contest by 7:30-8; we got situated in the hockey like stadium somewhere in the stands. The course was laid out where the ice in the area would normal be but replaced was a bike park. Amateur finals were going on and the crew felt they needed to heckle heavily. “Grind something” and “Toboggan” were the most yelled that night. At this point denim entered our lives, gay as a tiger he was, skin-tight pants (faded of course), jean jacket, this bowl hair cut with dyed black hair and for some reason he was on the course talking to someone during practice.  Evan was first at it, “HOLY SHIT, look at that fag, hey you denim, you’re a fag” He was verbally assaulted over and over by Evan and Nugget.  He must have felt quite embarrassed, but when someone looks that homoexotic you must know you’re getting a good shit talking too. Assaults and laughter made his exit from the course quick. The competition continued but was quite a disappointment due to the fact that about twenty kids from pro should have been in amateur, this resulted in a lacking pro contest Saturday.

Around eleven, we found our hotel, located between Maple Leaf Gardens and the gay district of Toronto.

Six people in a room is pretty tight but spooning made everyone in good sprits. After a trip to Zanzibar’s local peeler bar (where some bitch tried to rip Nugget off but ended up giving him a free beer) and the street meat it was back to the hotel for some sleep and heavy spooning we all desired it, especially Quiz. To bed at 4am and up at 9am.

We grabbed some breakfast at the local Golden Griddle, we had something to eat with one of Evan’s Milton friends I met a couple of years early; we ate, laughed, and saw denim again.  We all agreed we’d just walk to the CNE, giving us the chance to see the city. These are some of the highlights I can remember.

§    Dylan grabbing a hand full of Donnie, just the look off utter disgust was enough to make us die.
	§          Dylan humping things with a gigantic green condom (4ft long with the girth about 1ft)
§         Talking shit to a line up of Canadian Idol fans, Dylan announcing that there was only one guy in the line up of fifty women, and me trying to convince them some guy with a guitar getting into a truck was the one they were waiting for.
§         Pat Sajak and Vana getting a penis on their face at a major intersection.
§         Snowball fighting with Quiz causing me to laugh uncontrollably.
§         Donnie harassing a sleeping bum.

We got to the contest around 4ish. The pro contest sucked; too many cookie cut fuckers all wearing tight pants and “gunning it” at the quarter. Denim was in pro he sucked though; he fit right in doing the “cool” tricks.  Anyway we took the trolley to union station, we ended up seeing the gay version of MC hammer, complete with shiny chrome pants and Oakley shades that were clear and he also had a cap gun for some reason. Next up we had to make it to the Orchid video premier; we piled into Quiz’s car. He got there and parked, I noted in my head that Quiz parked illegal but didn’t care because no one else seemed to notice. The theatre was full, full with bikers. I instantly yelled for Jay Miron and Dylan began rocking the whole row of seats uncontrollably. Next thing we know someone is telling us to stop rocking the seats, to our fucken disbelief the person telling to stop rocking the seat was Jay Miron himself, I quickly ask Jay if he’d be riding and if he could do a 540 tailwhip, he said he couldn’t but f-it he’d made my day by coming out of know where to surprise the fuck out of us. Before the video started Chris Doyle walked in with a date, the look on her face said it all, a whole entire theatre filled with rowdy kids yelling and acting out, was enough to make her look uncomfortable, but as they proceeded to walk down the isle someone yelled “Chris Doyle has a big dick” which made no sense but made the entire theatre roar with laughter.

After the video, we made our way back to the hotel where I would run upstairs with Nugget to retrieve 40s. The fun thing about our hotel was the elevator rides, most times it was with people who biked, and it didn’t matter if you knew them, for those 2-3 minutes something was going to happen. I took a elevator ride with the announcer, Allen Cookie and bunch of other kids stopping at floors to pick up more people and one very nervous girl that we convinced to get in the elevator. I hurried back to the car so Quiz could drive us around while we drank in his car. Donnie & I argued about Mustang bumpers, gays were yelled at, bibles thrown out of the window along with anything we could toss. We got back the hotel to find half the floor being kicked out and plenty of Indian security guards. I purchased some porn; see Nugget has the idea, so Evan bought some hotel porn but when your eyes are blood red I could see he might have got some details mixed up. I opted for bed around 5:30am but the Myth and Nugget need to purchase some porn or something so they went solo mission’ing by themselves. Stories go that they wound up spooning at the local steam bath.

We were up by ten and out by eleven to avoid any charges. The van needed a jump because Quiz wasn’t more urgent in telling me that I had left my lights on Friday night; you need to really stress these points to people and they will thank you later. Some dirty immigrant charged us 5 bucks to use his jumper cables; the whole crew and I were not impressed. It was Sunday the final day of the weekend, pro contest, and hard trick was the best part. MC hammer and Quiz left early because MC spent all his money on a chain (bling blinging).

The contest was good. We left in a hurry, all tired from lack of sleep.

The drive home was quiet; someone mentioned something about Jesus spooning for the straight pipe. I capped the trip off arguing with Nugget because of lack of box and sleep.

Metro Jam ‘05     

Chris Dziamarski